Erectile function, performance and other challenges of the cock
Many things contribute to erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety
Men experience pressure in the bedroom. The pressure to get and stay hard is crushing men’s erotic confidence- in and outside of the bedroom. That can also look like pressure to ejaculate on command, or perform at the drop of a hat.
Possible factors in ED and performance anxiety are many. These are societal conditioning, religious programming, Hollywood movies, porn, trauma, shame, injury, stress, illness, pharmaceuticals, substances, mood, and emotional state. All these examples play a role in how a penis does or doesn’t function.
We have all been conditioned to judge our bodies and command them to perform. But that is not how we humans work. We are much more complex than that. We can know that intellectually, but the programming and conditioning started early and it has been consistent. We reinforce it ourselves with internal critical thoughts. Our genitals can feel those criticisms and they often respond by shutting down, going limp, drying up, tensing or shriveling.
The shame, trauma and conditioning sit like layers of density right in our sacred palace. Our sacred palace holds our genitals; our ability to create. This is where magic and pleasure should come from, but are colored by pain and confusion. This past pain and confusion can definitely affect how a man shows up in his sexual energy.
Partners can help or hurt
Partners can make matters worse. They take it personally when you can’t get it up. They feel unloved and rejected when you can’t stay hard for the sex they want.
But the truth is, your hard-on has very little to do with your partner, and more to do with your own internal ecology. Men’s sexual prowess is a complex eco-system made up of his physical, mental and emotional health.
When we choose to live a tantric lifestyle, we embrace ALL that life has to offer in every single present moment. In fact, that is where the electricity is. That is where life gets juicy and feels alive. Love acts as a transformational alchemist. Love can be a welcoming yes! And it can be a fierce truth or even a No!
Does your partner shame/blame you when they don’t get the sex they want?
Or are the patient, loving, and curious?
Do they demand sex?
Do they take it personal and make it about them?
Are they critical or compassionate?
Myth: The cock is simple and should work perfectly all the time. The cock should get hard on demand. The cock should stay hard the entire time.
Truth: The penis is sophisticated and can be affected by many biological and emotional factors.
Men have cycles
We all know and accept that women are subject to hormonal shifts throughout the month.
Men’s bodies also fluctuate according to hormonal shifts. Instead of a monthly cycle, men’s hormones ebb and flow quite a bit in a 24 hour period. A man’s daily hormonal cycle looks more like a roller coaster than a rocket. His testosterone peaks in the morning and plummets by night; while other hormones do a sophisticated dance to meet his biological needs. Learning to have love and acceptance for yourself is an important step in cultivating a rich erotic life.
Women are known to have a libido that waxes and wanes, but men are expected to have a libido at all times.
Society has a lot of expectations for men’s sexuality
He should get hard at the sight of his partner
He should stay hard the whole time during sex
He should ejaculate at the perfect time- not too soon, or too late
Let’s talk about ejaculation choice. All humans should have the freedom to take as long as they need to orgasm or ejaculate. Pressuring yourself or a partner to ejaculate (or not) is a form of violence and leads to other problems. Unless of course this is a kink and you and your partner are in consent around this type of play.
Myth: Men dont need foreplay
Truth: Men need and want foreplay, and they want and needs it even more as they age
Stigma: Many men are afraid to ask for what they want in the bedroom. Men may need more stimulation, slower speed, repetition, rest, more seduction, foreplay. Most men are not taught to ask for what they desire. Or worse, they are conditioned to be the nice guy, the giver and to never ask for their erotic needs to be fulfilled.
Men, you have the power to make requests.
What is holding you back? Learning to make requests that feel good to your partner is an art and a practice.
Let’s normalize men being aroused and feeling pleasure without an actual erection
There is a whole movement that encourages us all to slow down and expand our concept of sex. The slow sex movement invites us to make a shift. Let’s move away from friction-based sex that results in orgasm and ejaculation. We can choose to create a pleasure-based experience that engages the entire person. Sex does not always have to include penetration or ejaculation.
Love is the foundation that allows for the freedom of your truest expression. If you long to feel good in your body and have the capacity to handle whatever life throws your way, try looking at your life from a place of unconditional love and total acceptance and see what magic unfolds.
Myth: Good sex always requires a hard cock
Truth: Slow sex with a soft penis can be wildly arousing and pleasurable for both partners.
When we chase orgasm or ejaculation we literally shut down our pleasure circuits. Oftentimes, a man will pull away fearing his cock will betray him and he loses the opportunity for pleasure and for healing.
Myth: Men dont experience sexual trauma
Truth: Despite what many think, many men carry sexual trauma in their bodies. The truth is- men need to feel safe, too. They deserve to be ready in their mind, heart and cock before engaging in sex.
What does sexual trauma look like?
Sexual trauma can result from an injury to the genitals, a medical injury to the genitals, sexual assault, sexual violence or coercion. Basically any time the genitals are touched without consent in a way that causes internal or external pain or shame.
Many of us were raised with religious or cultural programming. This programming shames sex and masturbation. We have been programmed by the media industry that sex is defined by a hard penis and a wet vagina. Not only is this false but it is also terribly limited and heteronormative. The porn industry portrays mostly huge dicks, hairless pussies, bleached assholes and rock hard abs. This is hardly representative of most of us.
Sexual wholeness is when we can celebrate our bodies the way they are and the ebbs and flows of our sexuality
If you have suffered in any of the ways I have written about, it might be time to learn when and how to address the concerns and challenges. This is the first step to (re)claiming your erotic confidence. Somatic or embodiment coaching is a brilliant way to release the old and build a new connection to the Self.
Having penetrative sex too early can impact how sexually confident a man feels. This will determine if and for long he stays hard during that sexual encounter.
Myth: Men’s emotions play no role in their sexuality
Truth: Men are complex emotional creatures with rich internal worlds. Medical science will tell us that stress, anxiety, depression and pressure can all affect a man’s health. And that certainly includes his sexuality.
If a man is dating a new partner, and not sure how he feels about a future with her, his cock may or may not “perform” the first time they try to have sex.
Men, it’s important that you have sexual boundaries, as well as emotional boundaries. Don’t let any partner coerce or convince you to have sex anytime you don’t feel ready or in the mood. And if this has ever happened in the past, the body remembers. The body memory could back unexpectedly, causing your beautiful intelligent penis to go on strike.
Instead of shaming your cock, saying something like, “Come on buddy, don’t fail me.” Maybe try, “Thanks body. You’re right. I’m too tired or stressed or I’m just not ready.”
Let’s normalize men not always being ready for penetrative sex
The penis is intelligent. It is quite sophisticated in its mechanical ability. And as a man ages, it becomes increasingly more important that he connect his penis with his heart. Fast friction gets the job done, while slow sensual touch creates an environment for full body orgasms and deep connection.
When you heal and integrate the hurts of the past, you can be present with the truth of yourself and your body. Once you are present with yourself, you can be an amazing lover who delivers massive pleasure, regardless of what your penis is doing.
You can attune to your own body and emotional landscape with breath, sensation, energy and focus. Intentional breathing and sensation tracking bring you into the present moment. Circulating energy and full body focus helps you let go of pressure and allow pleasure to build and move throughout the entire body.
When you drop in and let go of expectations, this is when mind blowing pleasure is possible. Hard cock or not. You deserve to feel the best sex you have ever felt.
Things to remember:
- There is nothing wrong or broken
- You are not alone
- Emotional safety contributes to erectile function and performance ability
- Love and accept your body. It is intelligent and it communicates with you
- Change the story and speak nice to your body
- Slow down, drop IN to the sensation
If you suffer from performance anxiety or ED and you are ready and willing to do the inner work to address the underlying causes, embodiment coaching can be the missing key in your personal development. I support men just like you to make the adjustments in mind, body and sex. Please reach out if you would like more information on my men’s coaching programs.
