Why do some women “lose” interest in sex?
Do women lose interest in sex or could there be a better answer to this age old question?
What if every time you decided to go for a run, you got a blister? Or what if every time you ate soup, you burned your tongue?
Would you keep trying to go for a run, or would you think, “maybe running is just not for me?”
Would you continue to eat soup, or maybe you’d give up soup forever?
I hear from men that their female lovers, partners and wives “just aren’t interested in sex anymore.” They report loving their wives and partners but surrendering to the fact that sex is not part of their otherwise great relationship.
The men I talk to are loving and caring men. And yet they still put all of the responsibility on the woman, who supposedly doesnt like sex. In fact, some men tell me that they can pin point the moment when she stopped having sex with them, to a particular season or year (sometimes 20 years in the past). Some men tell me they tried couples therapy and scheduling sex-dates, or possibly even opening up the marriage.
Few men tell me they truly inquired about what it was that their female partner wanted or listened to her and tried whatever it was she requested.
What is the orgasm gap?
Would you believe me if I told you these women are not anti-sex? They aren’t “not sexual” or “not interested.”
The fact is, women who dont have sex inside their relationship after a period of time, report having the desire for sex, but not desiring the sex they have been having.
Its not that some woman just dont like sex, its that overwhelmingly, they dont like unsatisfying sex.
Now, dont shoot the messenger. I’m not here to blame you or say you are a poor lover.
“A Public Health England survey of more than 7,000 women last month found that half of respondents aged between 25 and 34 did not enjoy their sex life. The percentage dropped to 29% among 55- to 64-year-olds, suggesting that sex for women gets better with age.” -The Guardian, @Lady Haja, June 2018.
Have you ever heard of the orgasm gap? It’s a term to describe the disparity in orgasms between two partners in a couple.
Now, a healthy sexual relationship cant be solely depicted by the number of orgasms either partner has, however, studies do show a pretty big difference in the number of orgasms men have compared to women.
Lesbian Woman vs Straight Men
What about lesbians/queer women vs. heterosexual women?
In 2017, the Kinsey Institute conducted a large research study of 53,000 Americans and published that lesbians reported coming 86% of the time during sex, as opposed to 65% for straight women.
Men reported orgasming 95% of the time, during sex.
This is an orgasm gap.
So, what do lesbians know that straight women dont? Or what do lesbian women know that straight men dont?
Well, since lesbians are women they know their way around the female genitals. They are also more open to feedback and direction from their partners. And they have realistic expectations for how long it takes women to reach orgasm.
“There are many men who believe they can give their partners an orgasm by just having intercourse,” she adds. “That only happens for 20% of all women.” -The Guardian, @Lady Haja, June 2018.
What can men do to help women enjoy sex more?
There is SO much more to sex than penetration. Not every sex encounter needs to involve penetration, unless both partners are desiring it. Stay in the foreplay. Play kissing games. Learn the art of erotic massage. Experiment with sensation. Try Tantric orgasmic breathing to heat things up between you.
Men, you might want to consider upping your game when it comes to understanding the female genitalia. Ask for, listen to and implement feedback from your female partners (without taking in personally). And encourage her to take all the time she needs and never rush her.
I find it sad that men are going without sex in their loving marriages and long-term partnerships. Men do need sex. But so do women. Enjoying a fulfilling sex life is important for women’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
Everyone deserves a fulfilling and enjoyable sex life. Of course, there are other reasons women become less interested in sex, like health issues, chronic pain or exhaustion, post-natal blues, grief, menopause, stress, trauma, etc.
It is important to never give up talking about this with your partner. Just because she said emphatically she didnt want to have sex with you 5 years ago, doesnt mean she cant change her mind. Try not to let it go too long without finding a way to broach the subject again.
In the meantime, do your research. Become the lover your partner deserves. Seek therapy or coaching to help with your feelings of rejection and unworthiness, so when you come back together you can be present to the task at hand. Pleasure and connection! Read my recent blog about Slow Sex for more on how to get creative.
If you’d like to discuss this with me, I’m happy to offer a free consultation with me to learn more about my coaching for men’s sexual mastery. You can download a FREE pleasure mediation here and apply for the call. Right now I am only offering consultations with men who are serious about investing the time and finances it takes to transform.
